I have always been somewhat inclined to do tomorrow what I could, or should, do today. I dance on that precarious line between getting things done and avoiding what needs to be done in an effort to eliminate the stress over, well, what needs to be done. In the end, as one may expect, I find myself submerged in anxiety over those untended to tasks. For anyone who reads my newsletter, this tendency may be obvious in the lack of consistency in my posting, despite my promises to produce on a regular basis. In an effort to push myself I announced in my Fear of Commitment newsletter that I would persevere and write on a regular basis. With this tactic of forced accountability, I only wedged myself further into a corner, cowering and hiding from my computer even more. I went from writing sporadically to not writing at all.
How long ago was my trip to South American where I diligently posted about the first half of my trip then made what appears to be no attempt at posting about the second half? This for me is the peril of the newsletter. It’s a set up, one that I have imposed on myself. I could jot down a meaningful account of the images I would like to share on a weekly basis. I enjoy writing. I love to share my photography. So what stands in my way; what part of my mind would rather experience anxiety over success? I don’t think I have to state the obvious, but that question is rhetorical. I have no idea, not even an inkling, on why success takes a back seat to my procrastination. I can only imagine that should I write consistently, and feel the success of accomplishment, commitment, follow-through, I would then have to continually live up to this more favorable expectation. And what if I can’t? (I know, I said the question was rhetorical)
I’ve never felt particularly accomplished in any area of my life, really. I know on some level I was very good at my career, but the imposter clung to my heels every step of the way. As a mother I would like to think I was good enough (the best we can be without being perfect), yet doubt creeps in as I give thought to what I could have done better or different. My writing, which flows once I get the first line pried from my mind and onto my computer, seems at times forced and overdone as if to hide my inadequate skill. My eye for photography I think is relatively good, yet I never feel my images hold a candle to the content of the many photographers I admire as I peruse the pages of Instagram.
I realize as I write I sound a bit like a person with a self-esteem that is barely detectable, but that is not the case. I feel pretty good about myself, not inflated but good. I love my family, myself and my life. I simply have some remnants of a less than stellar childhood that lurk around my psyche and dictate patterns of behavior from unconscious places. Not so uncommon, and not all that debilitating, except in the arena of procrastination. This is not an excuse, but the reason. So with this confession of what interferes with my posting (so much for having “not even an inkling”), I will attempt to quiet the frightened inner child and bring her a sense of safety with the thought of eliminating, or at least decreasing, my anxiety linked to success.
Please visit my Instagram @amati_photography
Till next time…
Ciao
Talya Amati Lewis
Photography is a language we all speak. No translation needed…📸
I have fear of commitment huge time, so I am really surprised I manage to write here every week. And that for a whole year already... I hope you will keep posting (no need to be regularly) because I enjoy your photographs and writing! Happy new year to you!
You write so well. I will read whatever you post, whenever you post.